Sorry (not sorry) for the language (this post contains a lot of that) but that title does sum depression up to a T! Post natal depression is a bobey man that hides under the bed jumping out on random days, letting you have moments of joy then consuming you until you wonder what joy feels like.
I have been open and honest and told people as I’ve seen them, having battled depression for 10 years this bout of postnatal has rugby tackled me and totally knocked me for six. Not everyone knows how to take it when I tell them or what to respond and that’s ok but I need people to understand why I dont always want to do stuff, or why I cry when they say “how you doing?” Or why I have no patience to explain something once let alone repeatedly.
Depression is a prick and the reason you spiral down is because it stops you doing all the things you love and that make you happy. Take me for example; the things that make me happy are writing, blogging, meeting new people, going for walks outside, painting and playdoh with the monsters, seeing friends and having days out …. When depression strikes am I doing these? Am I fuck… Nope, nada, not at all!! Because when depression strikes I go into my little bubble that is home, I cry when anyone leaves that bubble and I do very little within that bubble. But as dark as that bubble is I have created, as glum as I am when I cut myself off from the world and shut out everyone outside, I feel safe there. Crazy I know but that’s exactly how depression works it lures you into this false sense of reality where you feel safe being victim to all the small shitty things (often dwelling on how monstrous they could escalate) and you like being depressed, you go back to what you know because you don’t realise all the little moments of joy passing right by you.
I’ve been making myself feel joy on purpose through photos, a gratitude journal, and random Facebook posts just as a chance to reach out to love & kindness from others without being face to face exposing myself and leaving my feelings out there and raw. People often don’t get I have depression as I seem so happy and I can talk about it in a relatively detached manner. This is merely because I have become well acquainted with depression, I understand it’s an illness and I understand that those around me make an effort to understand and help when they know you are suffering. (If they don’t know they can’t help!) but understanding it doesn’t make having it easier.
So through forcing myself to notice the moments of joy passing and along with everything else I could thook at dickhead depression, I’m slowly getting better. 2 out of 7 days are normally still a write off but a few weeks ago it was only 2 days that weren’t if I was lucky.
Im trying to ease up on myself (and others) I’m noticing when I show traits of myself I don’t like, I notice when I’m hard on myself, I’m facing up to the bogey men lurking and finding ways to stop them popping up as much. I can’t stop them totally I’m human and this is an ongoing battle with an illness I have very little hold over, but what hold and control I do have I’m using.
So I’m back to blogging. I’m sorry I can’t promise you total consistency and commitment but I can promise you I will try. Blogging is something I love, I’m passionate about and that brings me joy. So the more I look after myself, the more I plan to make time for the stuff I love and brings me joy, it’s a happy little circle once your in it depression is just the spanner that stops it spinning sometimes.
Stefani ~ Mum to the 3 Beautiful Monsters