Plan A, B and C Didn’t Work
I honestly feel like the more that I plan or ‘dream big’ with all the wonder I would like to achieve and balance I strive for within life, the more someone goes “HAHAfuckingHA that’s what you think!” and throw it all up in the air.
So last month in the time I had off with the monsters I had loads of time to reflect think, talk about our dreams as a family and think of my own in respect of the balance of work, my family, friends and taking care of me. It seemed achievable, it made us feel happy, it gave me hope and I thought for a moment I had got it. I. Not talking set for the rest of life I’m just talking on track to our targets, heading in the right direction for the life that makes us happy and provides us with a sense of success and achievement. I don’t know maybe my head really is too far in the clouds, none the less I will persist.
What Actually Happened
Nothing catastrophic, just stones. One by one the stones came and they hit me and hurt.
Ive been on top of my finances but had so many bills pop up out the blue (many of which because I’ve buried my head with anxiety) then the delightful working tax credits done it to me again. Said the money they gave me and some was actually miscalculated and I need to pay them back 3k. Which I wouldn’t mind if they ever showed you one bit of paper with their fucking working out. They don’t, so this ‘miscalculation’ in my eyes was pulled out their arse!
I have got excited about decluttering and decorating the home we’ve rented for 5 years, I was doing brilliantly, it felt amazeballs! Only to catch my landlord out and find out he was probably going to surprise us with a 4 week notice at the start of December. The thought of moving scares me, especially with how much the rents have risen in our area, mixed with the fact all the time we are renting we can’t save to buy, it’s just a big circle of blurgggghhhhh!
I planned to do so much more with the kids while we were all off and now it’s over. Their back to school and nursery, I’m back to work and the days of fun, freedom and laughter are back to restricted time and it sucks! I know everyone has this and I know mums can’t wait for the normality of routine and schooling, but I miss them and our adventures. I miss their random questions and having to google the answers, I miss our daily bear hunts, even the never ending meal times and constant chorus of “I’m hunnngrryyy”. This is by no means because I’m some super mum, I just genuinely like my kids. Except monster 2 at the moment his learnt full scale toddler tantrum, nursery will do him good 😂
Then there is my work, blog and business. Well let’s not talk too much about those plans because I think of the to do list of like 80 things I’ve probably achieved like 4 things. It’s not cool.
So What Now?
Truth is, I don’t know. I’m trying my best in all areas, I’m trying to find balance and I’m trying to make the best choices for the needs of my family rather than our ideal or wants. It’s hard.
I may know what I want from life, but at the moment the main person stopping me from getting it is actually me. Sounds confusing right?!? Along with it being generally up in the air and the other challenges, right now I’m getting some support from my family and GP as my life is pretty frantic and we think there is a possibility there may be something more underlining. It would explain it all and bring it all together, if that is the case I will write a blog series because it’s just explains and brings together so much about me.
For now, I’ll persist. I’ll do my best to balance and juggle all that I love mixed with the stuff that overwhelms me. I’ll try my best to follow through with plans even when I tell myself it’s all going to go wrong. My blog may not be perfectly consistent, but I know what I’m aiming for, so at least it’s the right direction. There was one time just having a website was a goal and I got that done through determination and passion! I can get through this to reach my next goals too.