Not as beautiful or together or anything really, on the days depression is winning!!!
I don’t think I’ve stopped crying much today. Anxiety and depression brings out the most awful sides of me and I don’t mean just making my face like a puffer fish!
I was quite willing to fight a man in the bank for being rude to the staff and with a few explitives that included “dickhead” and “fucking idiot” didn’t hold myself back. Then realising I was in public apologised to the other customers in the que as I then kicked myself for being such a gob shite.
I’ve ignored my friends because I don’t want to be that friend who always cries.
I’ve drove my car ridiculously fast because it makes me feel free and it just got me out for 5minutes (no child in vehicle!).
I’ve emptied boxes only to throw half of it in the bin, because the thought of finding somewhere in our new house to store all this shit I’ve hoarded makes me feel sick.
I’ve turned off the news and radio because the senseless twat in vegas just makes me cry for all those innocent lives lost and then I’ve got angry at myself for the times I have thought my life was worthless when so many people who were really living life got taken too soon.
I’m lost in this feeling of being lost, some days I find myself and I’m the most happy and bright person to be around, I love those days, or even moments.
I don’t think I’ve wrote a diary entry style like this before, I think I just needed space to get it out and be honest about what the depression I suffer looks like. I feel a bit better for writing it. Now to go try and change my day or for the safety of the general public surrender and go sleep it off till a new one arises!! (haha last bit not even an option 3 kids!!)