An evening of Reflection
Because of the last super full moon of the year I get all reflective and sit down with my spiritual hippy self and go through the stuff I want to continue to release. I find this excercise powerful, I find it uplifting and I have found its started to make me very honest with myself.
So tonight my list went a little something like this. On this full moon I choose to release and let go of unnecessary stres, trying to predict and control situations and people, the huge amount of self criticism I have developed, striving for others ideals and perfectionism, being scared to be me, being scared to reach out, being scared to be vulnerable, fear of having faith in myself, money blocks and limiting beliefs.
It’s only tonight I notice my list has changed slightly this time last year I was aching to let go of hate, hurt, and anger. I had been for a very long time. Those things aren’t on my list anymore and I’m so pleased, that is some heavy shit I was carrying around and I honestly didn’t realise the weight I was bearing.
What I will also say at this point is, shifting all that has just unearthed a whole ton of shit that was lurking under it but without moving the hate and anger first, I would of never got started on this roller coaster I’m on of true-self discovery.
So how did I get rid of hate, hurt and anger?
My dad was brutally attacked and left for dead with 8 blood clots on the brain and multiple face, skull and body injuries. This was all by 8 men and women, many of which I knew enough to recognise or nod a hello to. If he hadn’t of been as fit as he was he would of died, it’s that simple. Many things saved my dad and even through it all I was eternally grateful for that. I still had my Daddy, I was the luckiest girl in the world. I have talked about it a bit here before.
Forgiveness wasn’t that simple.
In the last ten years I have pleaded for my dad to fight, ive pleaded for my dad to live, I pleaded with my dad not to leave me when it all got too much, ive pleaded with my dad to see the positive and good despite all he lost, I have watched my mum be a true warrior when her whole life changed in one night and she continues to inspire me every bloody day. They both do. Meanwhile I have been strong, held it together, argued with police clocking over time, stood in court just to look them in the eye and here no justice served, been the parent when my parents became like fighting children in the stress of it all, been an only child watching it all fall apart some days feeling just so alone, I have been in pubs willing to fight for my family and in my car ready to accelerate with the people who nearly took my dad away for me stood right in front of me. I have tried to find answers and reason, I have tried to forget, I’ve tried to numb.
Do you know I have had six counsellors tell me that the art of getting rid of this hatred I held was forgiveness. I need forgive and let go. Do you know how many methods I researched and tried to forgive?? Tons. It’s so frustrating being told how to fix and problem, trying so hard and failing. Like I pictured the shit out of it all until I sobbed tons of times, I tried writing it all out, writing stories, writing the facts, writing letters burning it all, writing poems, journaling, counselling and talk therapies, meditations and rituals, aromatherapy and reiki, tapping, I tried so much. I wanted to forgive but it wasn’t that simple. Well for me it wasn’t, I wanted more I wanted them to know what they would be taking away. My hate and anger belonged to them. It was their weight whether they felt it on their shoulders like I did or not.
So whys it not there now?
I GAVE IT BACK with honest forgiveness.
Ever been pissed to be woken by builders on the one day your kids sleep in? Imagine doing that peering out to give the builders a shitty ‘you just woke me glare’ to realise the man your peering down on causes your whole body to shake in anger, literally bubbling rage of mad she hulk. It was one of the main people who had been known for his involvement of my dads attack. I felt sick. I cried. I got angry. I cried more because of the anger. I thought it all through again. I thought about his freedom and how unfair it all seemed and I got myself into a mess. My partner was going to stay off work because he knew what was happening, he knew I didn’t know what I was doing and felt trapped in my own home, he wanted to help me and I sent him to work, because I knew it was me. I needed to do this whatever choice I was making I needed to make, no opinions. Just for me and my anger and hate and rage and years and years and years of tears.
Once dan had gone, I stood in my kitchen next to the breakfast bar eyeing up the solid wooden stool. My first thought was if I take that out and pretend I’m cleaning the window when he sits back on that wall again I can step off anew wrap this stool round his head full swing. I’m little but I’m fierce, and I’m strong, I was fuelled with hate and angry. Please don’t judge me. And obviosuly I didn’t do it, although it would explain my blogging absence. (PND is genuine reason)
I didn’t do that. I went out and I was the bravest girl in the world that day. I gave it all back and I forgave the man who nearly killed my daddy.
I confirmed his name with him even though I knew who it was and I asked if he would walk over the road with me and talk for 10 minutes. I was shaking. What the FUCK was I doing. Like seriously. WTF?!?! My voice was shaky, I was welling up. Even though I knew my dad would hate what I was doing I was trying to be so strong for him too. The hours we had been through together he deserved I do this right.
I said he wouldn’t know who I am but I stood in court having nearly lost my dad to get no justice, I told him I had wanted to kill him his brothers and those involved and thought of many ways how, I asked him to continue to listen as I told him of my hate and anger. And he did.
I knew of the man, so knew he had a little girl. And I explained I too knew how children changed you as a person, the values and morales they teach, the love and meaning that bring to life that’s all unexplainable. I know that love as a mum and a daughter (to be precise an only child and daddy’s little princess). I told him this and I told him all what he nearly took away from me is all what he could loose should he make decisions in the future like he did that night. I explained all what he would never have been able to comprehend. It wasn’t just my dad he nearly killed, it was me, my mum, out poor families. None of our lives will never be the same as they was.
I explained I didn’t know what I wanted to achieve, I explained I just wanted to give it all back, it was breaking me. All the time I was carrying hate for them my ability to love and feel joy felt limited.
I got some answers too, answers the police and witnesses had never given me. He said sorry, maybe not in the outpouring of forgiveness I had hoped but no one had ever said sorry for all what we had been through. He also told me that was the last time he got into a fight, he knew the seriousness of what he had done and never chose to do that again. Whether it’s true I will never know but I find it respectful he took the time to take it all back, listen and at least tell me the things I need to hear to make me better.walkimg indoors I couldn’t believe it, I know the words are used to frequently but it was honestly a load lifted, a weight from my shoulders gone and even now I just don’t have those same feelings as I did before.
I’m grateful I got to learn the meaning of forgiveness in its true integrity, I’m hoping that it means when I need to call upon it in future I can do it a little easier from a deeper understanding of its true power.
This post is for my Daddy, I know you can never comprehend what I did and I even understand that a part of you is a little bit mad, I totally get that and love you even more. I’ll always still be here to hear the things others can’t understand, I get it. Forgiveness doesn’t make what they done ok it just means I have made peace with it in order to release all those negative emotions.
What did you release this year? I actually didn’t realise how much self work I have done, in reflection and digging deeper and working through mental health issues. I have so much to write about, but geez pretty heavy start right! Sorry folks, it’s all getting better I promise! ~x~