Well That Sounds Dramatic, But It Is What It Is…
Last night I sat writing the Lego Advent Calendar blog drinking tea and crying a little, with a heart wrenching gut turning nervousness about going to work today. I text my mum late all my worries and anxiety, I talked them through with my partner, I tried to get them to argue with the options like I was, when I knew in reality they both had totally different perspectives and couldn’t feel that feeling.
I told myself I was being a sissy, I told myself I was being ridiculous, I told myself that I should ignore these feelings, I told myself depression and anxiety aren’t real, I told myself to go to work like everyone else because nothing I felt was justified.
It was justified, well I thought it was, but I could quickly tell myself it wasn’t. I still don’t think I have worked it all out.
When The Day Came
I pushed myself. I got ready, I put on my nicest black clothes, I done my hair and make up. I got in the car, I got petrol and I drove in silence for 40 minutes round the m25. Crying a bit, worrying a lot. By the time I had pulled off the A21 I felt like my heart was going to explode from my chest, I couldn’t catch my breath properly, and I occasionally sounded like some sort of barking seal as I tried to cry between breathing.
It was awful. Every part of me was resisting the ease of going into work I’d been pushing myself junction by junction and just couldn’t go anymore. I pulled off drove over the bridge and joined the slip road home. I surrendered. Still crying, trying to resume deep breathing, relieved by the comfort of home, determined to turn this around and scared, really scared of how much it’s taken over. This tidal wave that wipes me out, suffocates me and just stops me in my tracks, I can’t push through it. Well today I couldn’t anyway.
Why Am I Sharing?
The Uncovered report by Mental Healthy found that 48% of the population is more likely to use Google than go to a GP when faced with a mental health problem. If someone googles it and somewhere in the pages finds this and relates or it helps or just reassure that they aren’t alone. Then the ripples of today’s wave don’t seem so bad.
I did come home and get help though and I really do think anyone googling should do the same. My partner was waiting at the door for me as I pulled on the drive, he held me tight and said it will be ok, I kissed my kids, made a cup of tea and rung my GPs. I have an appointment for tomorrow. I also took some actionable steps to moving forward with some stuff that lifts me and makes me feel good; like writing this blog.
The thought of having to do this alone scares me, I’m very lucky I don’t have to, nobody should have to. I’m a great supporter of the Charity Mind, I’ve been battling mental health a long time and their support has done so much for me and supported me in ways I couldn’t of imagined.
Below is a list of some organisations & charities to contact if you know you need to reach out for help;
Mental Health Foundation 02077807300
Anxiety UK 08444775774